Mother's Day Villain

Things I have learned:

1. Waiting until the last minute to purchase a mother's day card and then failing to do so because your wallet was locked in a church on Saturday night is NOT a valid excuse, never, ever, ever. It really does not matter how amusing an anecdote it may seem like to you.
   


2. Mother's day morning:
   
   • You wake up early - GOOD.
   • You let wife sleep in - GREAT.
   • You go downstairs to make breakfast - EXCELLENT.
     
     Now, with that kind of momentum, DO NOT turn on that little tv you have in the kitchen. You're just begging to get caught up in some fishing show or that big fight at the end of Rocky III, the one that you have already seen 20 times.
     
     It is a TRAP, and you WILL end up gulping down coffee and gobbling croissants, trying in vain to get to church on time. Turn off the TV, get the waffles cooking and ask yourself why on earth you would want to sabotage yourself in such a fashion. Wipe that smirk off your face, because it is NOT funny and you WILL find yourself wishing that you were dead.
     
   
   


3. If after church you should give your wife the option to "Choose wherever she wants" to go out to eat, NEWSFLASH: THAT DOES NOT CONSTITUTE 'HAVING A PLAN.'
   
   Now I acknowledge that some women may not feel that this one is such a terrible offense, as they may relish the freedom of dining at a restaurant of their choice, so your mileage may vary.
   
   But regardless of whether or not your wife allows you to fudge on this one, it is not an excercise in the proper use of initiative. Sooner or later she is going to realize that she chooses where or if you guys go out to eat all other 364 days out of the year and she is going to resent the fact that you did not take charge of this thing and just pick a place to take her to, for crying out loud. And then, brother, you will be brought up on charges for SHODDY HUSBANDRY, and you will be on trial for your life.
   
   It's the equivalent of driving 5 over the limit: Technically you could be cited at any time. You could take this passive approach for years and never get a complaint. But just when you think you have an understanding with the authorities, BAM! You are in a world of hurt that you never even saw coming. Hedge your bets! Have a flight plan! Make your reservations well in advance if you need to. Don't let this pathetic tale become yours.
   
   


4. When you are confronted with the terrible truth:
   
   • Learn from your mistakes.
     Resolve to buy the card a week in advance. Tie a string around your finger or something. (Bonus Tip: Get a couple years supply on clearance and stash 'em)
   
   
   • Do not make excuses.
     you're busted, pal. And by the way - An explanation is just an excuse with one of those little pine tree air fresheners tied to it. So don't go splitting hairs. Make it a little easier on yourself.
     
   
   
   • Admit that you are a mangy, low-down dog.
     Lay on your back, wave your legs in the air and WHINE. Yelp when your sides are kicked. It's your only hope of getting back into the pack.
   
   
   • Say that you are sorry.
     If you can't say it, then you don't mean it.
     If you don't mean it, then you can't say it.
   
   

If you've been making excuses, offering explanations, fighting to maintain your pride or dignity, or worst of all not learning from your mistakes, then saying I'm sorry will not mean anything to her. It is better for you to go off to work, think all day about what you have done and tell her sorry right before you leave to go pick her up.

I'm sorry, Honey.